Fast Food

( Disclaimer: I own no rights to the characters in this fanfic. I do hope you all find it funny and at least give me your opinion )

Fast Food
By Sailor Poison


This was not a well know thing but sometimes it got rather boring when you were not one of the people selected to go with Cloud on “ The mission of the day”. Bear this in mind, Cloud tended to carry most of the gil so there was little to do aside pathetic side quests.

Cid was with Vincent in Junon and he suffered from these aforementioned things. Vincent always had some gil hidden away for a good cause. Not that it was much anyway. With no real place to go, the two were left on the an unused part of the airport to collect their thoughts.

Cid, “ This sucks.. Shit we need to get us some Gil!”

Vincent had to agree with Cid, “ Maybe we should try a side quest?”

Cid, “ Hell no... nothing around here worth the fucking gil. We need to get a job or something. “

Vincent, “ You are a pilot... “

Cid, “ Bleh! Too many damn pilots here. We need something that will get the gil pouring our way! “ then suddenly he snapped his fingers, “ I got it!”

Vincent, “ An Idea?”

Cid, “ Now I know this recipe for Golden Chocobo! Now I know the bastards are big but I could make an oven just for cooking them! Trust me.. you will love me for it.”

It was not the idea of selling cooked chocobo that startled him. Vincent was taken back by the notion Cid could cook. The pilot apparently never lived alone long enough to need to cook for himself. When he was not with them, he was visiting Shera who cooked anything the pilot wanted. So his next words were bound to come out sooner or later.

Vincent, “ You can cook?”

Cid scowls, “ I can fucking cook! Well cook a Chocobo! Wait and see! I’ll make that oven if you help me.”

Vincent had not much else to do, “ Of course, Chief.”

How they acquired the parts is a rather long and boring story. Not worth the text. But they got the parts. Actually Cid liked to make things. He would prefer things that flew and once used his car as plane parts but he could build amazing things when he felt like it. The strange oven was not hard to make from him. Finding a proper chocobo was a bit more tricky. That was Vincent’s task.

As Cid was building the oven, Vincent set out in search of the good plump chocobo. The ex-Turk was the very meaning of stealth as he stalked the wild. He was a shadow across the plains. Silent killer no one sees till it’s too late. He was unable to find a good chocobo. Kept finding the those on verge of starving. But when all hope was lost, he found one of Rufus’s chocobos, that he used to race in Golden Saucer, being shipped west. It was good enough.

Vincent wanted to watch Cid prepared the bird. The pilot apparently knew how to get the feathers off and gut. But could he cook it? Actually Vincnt got to see everything except the making of the basting sauce. That was TOP SECRET. The smells that came from the oven were soon heavenly! The meat? Melted in the mouth.

Vincent was in heaven, “ Highwind.. this is incredible!”

Cid, “ Damn straight! We are gonna give out free samples of this bitch and, when people want more, we charge them!”

Vincent marveled over the plan, “ It just might work.”

The samples were the first to go. People were drawn to them by the smell and soon the taste. It was not long before the chocobo was merely bones. Cid and Vincent acquired a nice amount of Gil. But the people wanted more.

Cid, “ Now now... we’ll have more tomorrow. Remember, Captain’s Chocobo is the only thing next to fucking heaven!”

Vincent, “ This must be a sin. “

The next day, Cid had some of Cloud’s extra Chocobo sent over. Cloud was trying to breed this Legendary Golden Chocobo and so far he has a bunch of yellow ones. He had a green and blue which were both the same gender and so useless. Not that Cid would eat them! Or cook them!

But this also made the two realize a problem. Someone had to deal with the customers as it took two people to work the back. That lead them to bringing Barret into the sweet deal.

Vincent and Barret took turns playing the job of cashier. Cid go out of this claiming Only HE knew the recipe and that's how it was gonna fucking stay! If the food wasn’t soo good, these two might have chased away all the customers.

The news of the fast food chain reached Rufus ShinRa. Rufus took pride in believing he dominated anything worth selling. So hearing this fledging restaurant was already creating a band of faithful followers drew his interest.

Rufus took Reno to see this place. Easily by second day, the heroes were able to secure a place to sell their food. It was simple yet served it use. In other words, Rufus found it pathetic. How could good food come from this low rate building?! Plus the cashier was familiar. His long black hair held back as he worked the cash register with his normal hand with the most bland expression on his face.

Rufus, “ Do I know you?”

Reno knew who it was. It was truly shocking to see Vincent here of all places.

Vincent, in perfect monotone, “ May I take your order?” as he had to deal with customers waving their hands at the menu list and asking in most vague ways what they wanted.

Rufus, “ I would like some of the white meat... the mashed potatoes, and some Tifa pie?” The pie name confused him.

Reno was all snickers, “ I would like the dark meat, macaroni, and the Turk cherry pie. “ There was no Turk Cherry pie, just cherry pie.

Vincent’s cheek twitches as he rings up their order, “ 1500 gil. “

Rufus, “ This better be worth it.”

The chocobo.... Rufus couldn’t put it into words but closest thing he could say was heaven! This was the best meal he has ever eaten. This food was going to make anyone rich and he had to have it!

Rufus, “ I must compliment the cook.”

Vincent, “ He is unavailable.”

Rufus, “ But maybe he can make an exception?”

Cid peaked out, “ Hey, Vinny, need more meat cooked?”

Rufus, “ Highwind? “

Cid, “ What is it, Rufus.”

Rufus, “ That's President ShinRa.. “ he uttered under his breath but then splashed on his most charming smile, “I would like to buy your business.”

Cid, “ Oh really? Let me talk with my buddies.”

The three assembled in back room. Barret wanted to go out and blow Rufus’s head off. His money was as evil as him. EVIL! Vincent was not liking the idea of their business going to anyone. Cid’s opinion would blow them away.

Cid, “ Lets sell it!”

Barret, “ You go crazy, Cracker?! That's the enemy!”

Cid, “ I know but.. hell I’m fucking tired of cooking. Maybe we can get alot of gil out of the bastard. At least Cloud will stop taking our shit in order to buy that damn house in Costa del Sol!”

Barret was not hapy but had little say, “ It is ya recipe. “

Cid, “ Whoa... The recipe will be another sale. Not gonna let him have it that easy!”

Vincent was sad, though it was hard to tell with him, because this meant he could no longer work so close to a sweaty Highwind. How the oven made the sweat glisten on his skin. These thoughts were indeed sinful thoughts. He was surely going to hell for them.

Cid, “ That's that!”

After much debating, Cid agreed to tell him what was in it in secret. No one truly knows what the pilot said as most of the ingredients were normal. Except there was a secret item he never shown anyone. Not even Vincent his best friend. Whatever it was left Rufus in shock. Whatever it was, Rufus decided to never eat chocobo ever again.

Yes, they acquired three million gil. This enabled them to buy Cloud that Villa and update all their weapons, armor, and materia that Yuffie promptly stole. They all celebrating by eating some of Cid’s golden Chocobo.

Tifa, “ This is so tender.”

Aeris, “ It is a bit salty.”

Cloud, “ I wish I knew what was in this.”

Vincent, “ I only know that he was always alone when he made the basting sauce. “

Barret, “ Yo, Cid, What the fuck is that last ingredient.”

Cid, “ All I’m gonna say is this... I had fun making! What? Why are you spitting it out?! “

The End