First Moments Like These

Ra: ... Laguna Loire is my *favorite* character. And I got to thinking, what if there was -far- more to him than -everyone- gives credit? I mean, come on? Besides, I love the man to death. This is just what I came up with. And he never gets enough press time. My love and praise to those who write him! Sincerely! ^^ Anyway, I'm babbling.. ^^; On with the ficlet!


First Moments Like These

That first time I saw him, I knew. I might not want to have admitted it, but I did know, somewhere inside my heart. I could feel it. As silly as that is. Well, maybe it’s silly to you, but it’s not to me. Just like everything else. Honestly, I do know what I’m talking about.

And besides. If I, the one who seemingly never picks up on anything, could see it, is it really no wonder that Ward and Kiros did? That doesn’t mean I still didn’t want to refuse to admit everything to myself. Because that would be easy. Sometimes easy is nice. It’s like a break. Everyone needs breaks.

But that doesn’t mean we actually get them. Not in this world. Not in these times. Not in this life. It’s always this constant… One thing after another. It’s all you can do to survive. It’s all a person can do, just trying to look on this supposed bright side.

Sometimes I don’t believe it exists. But I have to. For everyone. Because they need to know that everything will be okay. Even in the end. That everything is okay, even now. Without some light to see them through, they would get so depressed – and I don’t just mean Kiros and Ward anymore.

Now I have a whole country who looks up to me. Expecting some sort of miracle of happiness. Because that’s how I’ve always been. And now they’ve become used to it. Is that like spoiling a child? I don’t know. I never got the chance. Aside from Ellone. And that only makes it worse.

Not that I even know which one of us would be “spoiled” – those expecting me to be happy for them, so they can be at peace; or me, having such devotion like that. Even from Ellone.

I don’t deserve that kind of dedication. Not that I am in any way saying I am against it. It’s not that at all. I just don’t understand it. I didn’t do anything great. I couldn’t protect Ellone. I couldn’t do a damned thing for Raine. So pathetically so, that I wasn’t even there before she died. When she died…

And yet I have people here who are devoted to me, like I am some kind of good person.

Leaving the woman I love does not constitute a good person. But to know that we had –have- a child? That’s almost unforgivable. What must he think of me? I don’t honestly think it could be anything good. How could it? I didn’t know of his existence for the past seventeen years. I practically abandoned him. Just like I did to his mother. And I loved his mother.

More than life itself.

Maybe that’s why I always act the way I do. To hide how I feel from myself. Because the more I think about it, the worse it feels. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I didn’t then, and I don’t now.

If I can smile, it means it hasn’t overcome me yet. If it hasn’t overcome me yet, then my mind is still free to think of things… that don’t include Raine. Or her death. …Or our child. Everything I did wrong. So horribly wrong. All those years ago.

If I can smile, it means everything is alright. And if everything is alright, everyone will be happy. And as long as everyone is happy and at peace, that’s one step closer to doing my job. Properly, at least.

But the guilt weighs wearily on my heart. It lives in my soul. I don’t think they understand that I’m not just like everybody else. I’m less. I’m hardly fit for what they want of me, yet I know it is the least I can do for what they’ve done for me. For us. But… that someone only makes the guilt and sorrow worse.

And from those first few moments that I saw him, I couldn’t help the blackness spreading in my heart. It’s like a disease. It hurts so bad I want to cry. Or maybe fall on my knees holding my chest. Though, I suppose it would look like I’m having a heart attack. Then again, that is what I feel like.

All this emotion is attacking my heart. And all he does is stand there, just watching me with contempt. And I have to wonder, does he know, too?