Curious

Curious

Kadaj was watching Cloud undress.
Normally Cloud would have felt uncomfortable about this. But he was in a great hurry, because it was freezing in Aerith’s church, and if he didn’t get into some warmer clothes soon, Cloud thought that he might begin shivering in a way that was decidedly unmanly.
More than anything, Cloud longed to be completely strong and bad-ass. And shivering was not something that bad-asses did. They braved the cold without complaint, without giving off any sign that they were even slightly chilled. And Cloud had been cold for so long, his resolve to continue doing just that was weakening.
Therefore, he was in a hurry.
“Why do you wear such girly sweaters?” Kadaj whined. “You should wear hot, sexy leather like me.”
Cloud sighed. He had let Kadaj in from the storm because he felt sorry for him when he was standing out there in the cold and pouring rain. He’d also given him a change of clothes because he’d felt sorry for him, not wanting him to freeze to death. But he was quickly becoming tired of listening to Kadaj’s voice. Kadaj talked too much, he decided. He considered cutting off his head, to make him shut up. This thought was intriguing, so he stood there for a moment, distracted; his ‘girly’ sweater in hand, head tilted to the side as he pondered the bloody image.
Where had Kadaj come from anyway, Cloud wondered as he imagined Kadaj’s decapitated head striking the ground. When he had opened the door and braved the harsh wind to permit the bratty teenager entrance, he had heard Kadaj mumble something about the LifeStream not being able to contain his evil. This had made sense at the time, but now that Cloud thought about it more he realized that people more evil than Kadaj had died before without mysteriously coming back to life. Why had the LifeStream rejected Kadaj?
“You have a nice body, Brother.” Kadaj said, his voice suddenly softening and becoming less irritating.
Cloud looked up in surprise. He realized that he was standing in front of Kadaj with his muscular torso bared, his sweater forgotten in his hand as he tried to understand Kadaj’s existence.
He blushed.
And began to pull the sweater over his head. How embarrassing to be complimented like that by another guy. And by one so young, too. Kadaj was still a kid! He shouldn’t be looking at older men that way.
“Wear this one instead,” Kadaj said, holding up a sleeveless black top that he’d pulled from the open trunk in front of them.
Cloud frowned, lowering the sweater. He took the shirt from Kadaj and refolded it, placing it carefully back into the trunk. He closed the lid.
“It would show off your muscles better, don’t you think?” Kadaj said, pouting.
Cloud looked at him sharply and unexpectedly found himself overwhelmed with pity. Kadaj was indeed still a child. One that was nearly grown, perhaps, as well as one that had committed many atrocious acts. But a child, nonetheless. And his innocent curiosity about the older man standing next to him was somehow more endearing than it was strange.
He probably didn’t understand that it was wrong, Cloud thought. Perhaps no one had ever told him before that he shouldn’t admire the bodies of other men.
Cloud bowed his head. These thoughts were disturbing. “Kadaj.” He said. “Where are your brothers?”
Kadaj sighed. He stared in the opposite direction and shifted his weight to his other foot; hugged himself with both arms and smiled sadly. “Mother wanted them.” He whispered.
Cloud stared, seeing the forlorn expression of his former enemy and aching with sympathy. How could this be? Aerith was not one to reject people based on deeds from another life. She was very forgiving, and understanding of unfortunate circumstances. Then why…Perhaps she had sent Kadaj back for some other reason.
“Did Aerith say anything to you before you left the LifeStream?” Cloud asked him.
Kadaj looked puzzled. “Aerith?” He said.
Cloud nodded. Of course. Kadaj would not know her by that name. He called her Mother. She had been the mother he’d never had. And the second mother to reject him, apparently…
“Nevermind.” He said softly.
Kadaj didn’t want to talk about his brothers. It hurt too much. Instead, he returned to admiring the blonde male beside him.
“You’re so handsome, Cloud.” He said. “Why aren’t you married?”
Cloud started, realizing that Kadaj had addressed him by his real name for once. It seemed more intimate, somehow. He didn’t like it.
“Kadaj…” He started. And stopped, stiffening, as he realized that Kadaj was touching him.
Kadaj sighed as he ran a hand over Cloud’s bulging biceps. It felt so good to touch them, to squeeze them. That firm chest and stomach looked irresistible. His hand wondered there too, seeking the warmth and strength of that body that looked somehow edible.
He licked his lips at that thought and moved closer, stroking Cloud’s chest. The heat from his body felt wonderful. And the rippling muscles across his torso were gorgeous, tantalizing. Kadaj rubbed Cloud’s breast, let his fingers graze the nipple. He noticed Cloud becoming tense, then, and shifting uncomfortably as though he would like to move away and was willing himself to hold his ground.
Kadaj, suddenly self-conscious, met Cloud’s eyes with a silent plea. For what? Acceptance? Affection? He wasn’t sure. He just knew that he couldn’t bear the thought of Cloud being unhappy with him just then. He also found it impossible to take his hands off of Cloud’s body. He was feeling the strangest sensations…a tightening in his groin that had only occurred in dreams, and a quickening of his breath that he couldn’t control. He felt flushed and over-heated.
“It’s alright, isn’t it? You don’t mind?” Kadaj said, timidly. For once he didn’t feel confidant at all. This wasn’t like going into battle. This sudden urge to touch Cloud seemed beyond his control. He couldn’t imagine the outcome. Please….he was thinking. Please what?
He needed to do this.
Kadaj waited for permission but when Cloud did not reply, he embraced him and sighed at feeling that strong body against his. He stroked Cloud’s back and moaned, electric jolts racing through him. He could feel the racing of Cloud’s heartbeat against his. He kissed his neck, enthralled. What was this feeling?
“Kadaj.” Cloud whispered, his voice deserting him. The wrongness of the situation had stolen it away. He had let Kadaj touch him at first, because he didn’t want to hurt him. He hadn’t wanted to destroy those surfacing feelings of sexuality, to traumatize the teen for giving into that childish exploration. But things were getting out of control very quickly. He could feel Kadaj becoming aroused against him, and the constant realization that this was another guy fondling him, wanting him, was beginning to frighten him. He couldn’t give Kadaj what he wanted.
Cloud pushed him away gently and Kadaj wilted, and began sobbing.
“I’m bad,” he cried, ashamed. And he hid his face in his hands, not wanting Cloud to see his tears. He sat down on the trunk and began rocking, like a mental patient. He hugged himself but it gave no comfort. He was bad, disgusting, evil.
Alarmed, Cloud reached for him, rubbed the sides of his arms in a soothing gesture. “No. Kadaj…It’s alright. It’s just…this is what a man does with a woman.”
He felt tender and protective in a way that he never had before. Kadaj’s vulnerability was beautiful. Cloud wanted to take care of him and make everything better.
Kadaj looked up at him through teary eyes. “I don’t like women.” He told him.
And Cloud looked away, studied the ground at their feet in obvious discomfort. This was just a phase Kadaj was going through, he thought. Perhaps he still thought that girls had cooties. Perhaps he had not looked at them very closely, had not yet discovered the allure of their breasts and thighs. Wondered about the secrets that lay between their folds…
Or maybe…he really was gay. Cloud sighed. How was he going to explain that?
Kadaj was waiting, so Cloud nodded and said, “Right. Some men—some men don’t like them.”
“What do they like?” Kadaj asked, already knowing the answer.
Cloud swallowed and dropped his eyes. “Other men.” He muttered.
“I like you, Cloud.” Kadaj said. “You feel good to me.”
Cloud met his eyes, surprised by his bluntness. And blushed at the intense look that Kadaj was giving him. As though he couldn’t help himself, Kadaj reached out and pressed his palm flat against Cloud’s abs, fingers splayed wide, like a starfish. He rubbed his stomach, marveling at the softness there. He looked at Cloud as he touched him, and noted the surprise that flickered across the man’s delicate features. He found it beautiful.
Cloud swallowed again, trying to get past the lump in his throat. His mouth felt dry. His heart was going too fast; this was all so distressing. He knew he should rebuke Kadaj. Let him know that this wasn’t alright. Pull away from his touch…Cloud wasn’t gay, but he couldn’t deny that Kadaj’s touch felt rather pleasant. Those light, shy caresses were causing his flesh to become aroused, when his mind was still occupied with what was sensible.
And it had been so long since he’d even seen Tifa, much less made love to her. Masturbation wasn’t very satisfactory after he’d experienced sex, and masturbation was all he’d had for several weeks…
The thought of Tifa’s tight, wet pussy caused him to harden, and Cloud gasped, shocked by his body’s betrayal. If a teenage boy touching him could stir up memories like that, then there was something wrong with him. He should tell Kadaj to stop…
Kadaj looked at the bulge that had appeared in Cloud’s pants with interest. He put his hand there and Cloud moaned. Squeezing it and stroking it produced erratic breathing and a lovely flush over Cloud’s skin. Breathing hard with sudden, intense excitement, Kadaj reached for the zipper on Cloud’s pants and pulled it down, anticipating the power he knew was contained there.
He pulled Cloud’s half-erect cock from his pants, thrilled that Cloud was letting him, was not rejecting him. He moaned with longing as he saw the size of it, felt its weight in his hand. He could feel the blood engorging it, pulsing in his hand…it seemed to mimic the throbbing in his own cock.
Kadaj stroked the organ in his hand, gave it a pump. Cloud inhaled sharply, and Kadaj gazed at him, awestruck. The expression on Cloud’s face, as though Cloud were grasping for the last fragments of his self-control, was so arousing. He fondled Cloud, caressed his erect penis from the head to the bottom of the shaft, and cupped his balls in both hands, kneading them.
Cloud, assaulted by the sudden rush of pleasure running through him, put his hands on the back of Kadaj’s head and as if by cue, Kadaj dropped to his knees in front of him. He kissed Cloud’s cock, gave it a lick, and moaned, as though he were the one receiving this treatment.
Cloud, seeing the hardness in Kadaj’s pants, closed his eyes. This was so wrong. How could Kadaj not feel it? Cloud understood how a man could be aroused by having another man suck his dick—touch was touch, after all. What he couldn’t understand was how a man could be aroused by doing the sucking. The very thought of it was nauseating. Kadaj’s excitement puzzled him.
But he wasn’t complaining.
Kadaj, by some perverse instinct, closed his mouth over Cloud’s cock, wrapping his lips over his teeth to avoid grazing the tender skin. He bobbed his head, pulled back and released the cock, and swirled his tongue over its tip. This was wonderful, he thought. Cloud tasted so good…his salty, slightly bitter taste filled Kadaj’s mouth. And that powerful, throbbing vessel scraping the roof of his mouth and wiggling against his tongue, was so hot….Kadaj was becoming uncomfortably hard within the confines of the tight leather pants he’d borrowed from Cloud.
He reached down, freeing his own erection, and began sucking and stroking Cloud’s cock in earnest. Cloud moaned at everything he did, and, feeling sexy and desired, Kadaj moved lower, sucking one of his balls into his mouth. He released it and repeated the action with the other one, and licked his way back up the shaft before swallowing it again.
Cloud threaded his hands through Kadaj’s shoulder-length hair. This was wonderful, he realized. It felt so good because it was another guy, because another guy would know what felt good. It wasn’t like receiving a blowjob from Tifa or from any other woman he’d ever been with. They’d always neglected the balls and been awkward with sucking, not understanding how to shield the penis from their teeth. They hadn’t squeezed him and stroked him like this, with awe and respect for the power of his organ. They hadn’t moaned around his cock like it was the best-tasting thing they’d ever had in their mouths, the best they’d ever have…there’d been no sense of urgency, no understanding of the sensations they were causing…they had been shy, uncomfortable, too eager to please…
But this…this was a blowjob.
Cloud thrust forward with his hips, knowing somehow that it would be okay to do so. Kadaj met his thrust with excitement, moaning and sucking harder, fondling his balls and reaching behind him to…oh. Squeeze his ass.
Cloud moaned. That felt good. He didn’t even mind that it was another guy touching him there. It felt good to be touched so boldly, so passionately. He gasped as Kadaj, removing his mouth, pulled at the opening to his penis and flicked the tip of his tongue inside. Wow…that felt strange. But not bad, he thought, distracted from the near-violation by Kadaj swallowing him once more.
Kadaj sped up, bobbing his head in earnest and creating a tight, delicious vacuum with his mouth that made Cloud’s vision go hazy with pleasure. He put his hands on the backs of Cloud’s thighs and Cloud began thrusting into his mouth repeatedly.
Kadaj made a slight gagging sound but quickly figured out how to relax his throat so that he could accept Cloud’s cock rubbing against it. He swallowed as much of him as he could, and left one hand on Cloud’s backside while moving the other to squeeze his balls. Cloud liked this, and he thrust harder and faster. Kadaj’s head moved back and forth with each thrust and he closed his eyes, trying to memorize this impossible feeling. He whimpered around Cloud’s cock, aching from his own abandoned erection, and Cloud groaned at the feel of the vibrations.
Kadaj quickly caught on to this and he hummed as he moved, never ceasing his ministrations as he removed his hand from Cloud’s ass to briefly squeeze and rub his own hard cock. He returned it quickly, aware that Cloud had liked being touched there. Cloud sighed with appreciation as he felt that hand return to rubbing and squeezing his ass. He jerked in sudden anxiety as he felt one of Kadaj’s fingers creeping toward his entrance.
“No.” He said.
And Kadaj obeyed, moving his hand back to a spot that Cloud was more comfortable with. He couldn’t resist trying again a moment later, though. The thought of that hole was so tantalizing…
“Kadaj!” Cloud hissed, caught between irritation and surprised arousal as he realized it felt good when Kadaj rubbed him there.
He didn’t have long to think about this however, because Kadaj pulled back suddenly and cried out as he came. The emission was forceful but brief, and Kadaj knelt, panting at the feeling of relief that came with his ejaculation. Hearing his name in Cloud’s mouth, although it had been said in a tone that was tight with annoyance, had been so arousing he hadn’t been able to hold back anymore…
“I’m sorry.” Kadaj said, trying to explain why he’d stopped sucking. “I didn’t want to hurt you…”
In answer, Cloud pulled him onto his back and lifted Kadaj so that his butt was resting against Cloud’s erection. He was going to fuck him, he’d decided. Blowjobs, no matter how amazing they were, were taking much too long for his liking. What he wanted was to feel a tight, hot hole squeezing around his cock…something tighter than any mouth could possibly be.
Now if he could just get past the fact that this was a guy…
Kadaj gasped, feeling Cloud’s strong fingers prodding at his entrance. He was frightened, suddenly, although the thought of Cloud’s big cock going in there was certainly arousing. Wouldn’t it hurt?
“S’alright,” Cloud said huskily, noticing his fear. He sucked on his fingers, and pushed at Kadaj’s hole, sighing as it accepted one of his slick digits.
It wasn’t a turn-off like he’d thought it would be, touching Kadaj there. Kadaj had the cutest butt he’d ever seen on any guy. It was much less hairy than Cloud’s and it was tight and firm with well-developed muscle, the cheeks an attractive alabaster tone that Cloud found delicious.
“Cloud.” Kadaj whimpered, and Cloud remembered his nervousness. He hesitated before wrapping his hand around Kadaj’s cock and stroking him. This was wrong on so many levels. But Cloud was too far gone to care.
Kadaj moaned as Cloud stroked him, thrusting into his hand. That felt so good, he wanted to tell him. But Cloud’s hand was gone too soon, and it was pushing at him again down there, where it felt uncomfortable. Kadaj whimpered as the discomfort turned to pain. Cloud’s fingers were too big, but they were forcing themselves inside. Kadaj tried to relax and let them in deeper, but it hurt so bad.
“Just relax.” Cloud told him, and Kadaj tried to obey, but he didn’t like it, the sharp, stabbing sensation inside of him. Cloud was going too fast…
He gave a sigh of relief as Cloud withdrew the two fingers that were probing so deeply. And then howled with pain as Cloud thrust inside with his big, hard cock that was stretching him so, so much.
“Sh-sh-shhh…” Cloud gasped, nearly sobbing, it felt so good. Was it because Kadaj was tighter than Tifa had ever been? Or was it because this was a guy that he was fucking and it was somehow so much hotter than he ever could have imagined? There was something he’d been hiding…
“Brother!”
Something he’d never wanted to admit to himself…
“Ow! Brother! It hurts! Brother,” Kadaj cried, ashamed to find tears prickling his eyes. He squeezed his entrance around Cloud’s cock, reflexively trying to prevent it from going any further, and Cloud gasped and rocked forward, hurting him more.
Kadaj felt something tear.
“Oh! Ohhhh, Brother, please!” He begged.
Cloud panted and tried to stop moving. He didn’t want to hurt the boy beneath him, not really. It just felt so good. Not moving made him feel like he’d explode. And that word…Brother…it was like a defense mechanism, Cloud realized. It was a way to reassure himself when he was frightened, by clinging to ideas of familiarity. Kadaj was screaming it at him, and there were tears sliding down his face, and Cloud couldn’t bring himself to stop. Somehow, he realized, all his life he’d needed this.
And no chic could ever satisfy again…
Cloud tried to make it better for him. He stroked Kadaj’s cock, allowing himself to feel aroused at the touch of another guy’s arousal. It was liberating, he was free from the lies he’d trapped himself in and he could really, fully enjoy sex for the very first time. He wanted Kadaj to enjoy it too, he thought. If not for the pleasure of sharing this with him, then just so that it wouldn’t hurt him so much, make him feel so guilty. He was going too fast, he knew. Kadaj couldn’t possibly enjoy this.
But he couldn’t stop.
“I’m sorry,” Kadaj gasped, hurting despite Cloud’s attempts to pleasure him. The pain had long ago overshadowed the pleasure. “I’m sorry, I can’t, please—just stop—“
“It’s alright.” Cloud told him, sliding deeper inside, where the pleasure was so intense he thought he’d cry too…
“No! I don’t want it anymore! Please stop! Pleeeassse!”
“It’ll be okay, it’ll feel better,” Cloud lied, hating himself. He realized he was crying too. He realized he was angry at the boy he was fucking, angry at him for making him feel these things, for making him face a truth about himself that he would have rather died than acknowledge.
“Brother, it hurts, please don’t hurt me anymore,” Kadaj sobbed, pleading with him, hurting him back.
Cloud gritted his teeth in ill-suppressed rage. “It’s your fault.” He grunted, thrusting harder and harder. “You. Wouldn’t. Stop. Touching. Me.”
Kadaj fell silent. His eyes were squeezed shut tight and he was chewing his bottom lip so hard that it bled. Cloud closed his eyes too so that he wouldn’t have to see this and he fucked him so hard and so deep, and finally, a moment later, he was spilling his seed into Kadaj’s backside and pulling out of him, hoarse from sobbing.
He leaned over Kadaj, panting, and trying to stop crying because it was unmanly. He wasn’t a rapist just because he’d lost control. He hadn’t raped Kadaj, an innocent child that had come to him with admiration and curiosity. It had been an accident, is all.
He’d never been angry.
He looked down and saw that Kadaj was bleeding. Kadaj’s blood was mixed with the cum that was spilling out of him. His eyes were closed still, and he was trembling.
Cloud touched him.
Kadaj opened fearful eyes and gazed up at the man he’d loved just minutes before.
“I’m sorry.” Cloud said.
And somehow, it wasn’t enough.


A/N: I felt so sad after writing this. Do you feel sad now? Let me know.